Time and again, research has shown, that rewards, punishments and excessive praise slowly erode away a person’s intrinsic motivation over time. This is why adults who use these strategies with children often find, that for the same “offense”, they need to raise the severity of the punishment over time in order to keep it “working” for their kids. The same is true of rewards and praise, the stakes must be raised over time. They are really two sides of the same coin. In cases where the rebellion subsides and sometimes eventually vanishes, a child has likely internalized that they have no options in life other than the ones their adults choose for them, so they have to conform. Some others become “praise junkies”.
Alfie Kohn mentions this in his book Unconditional Parenting, “As extrinsic motivation goes up, intrinsic motivation tends to come down. The more that people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.”
More recently, the term “positive reinforcement” has come into the parenting mix. Unfortunately, this has become a fancy phrase for praise of the form:
“You’re such a good girl for putting the dishes away!”
“Good job, you ate all your food and cleaned your plate! Awesome!”
“I really like how you are keeping your blocks on the table.“
We’re advised to keep an eye out for something our child did that we judge as “good” behavior / action and praise that. The idea being, that the more we praise positive behavior, the more children will do those things in favor of “negative” behaviors and actions. When you remove the veil of “positivity” though, this is yet another form of emotional manipulation. It takes undue advantage of children’s natural urge to please us and turns it into a transaction.
While it seems to “work” in the short term (for the parent, that is), it often turns out to be not-so-positive in the long term (for the child). It is a surface level behavior tactic rather than a holistic philosophy – we fail to look deeper at the whole child and figure out what unmet needs are causing a certain disruptive behavior to manifest or what is motivating them to do a task. Is it our approval they seek? Fear of punishment? A reward? More praise?
In other words, positive reinforcement floats on the surface, often causing us to praise those behaviors that create obedient and compliant kids. This means that our subconscious motivation is to make our everyday lives more convenient, but under the guise of raising “well-behaved” and “successful” children. Fulfilling our own needs rather than our child’s basic ones.
E.g. our child ate an amount of food that we chose. They cleaned the dishes because we asked them to, perhaps with the promise of stickers or candy. Or perhaps they have come to expect more praise for “helping” us or punishment if not.
An important point to note is that “Good job!” is judgement of the work done, not encouragement for the person who did it.
What all of us parents really want to do, is encourage and support our children. Instead, we are advised to praise and judge conditionally. Essentially, we’re conveying this message to our child: If you do what pleases me, I will notice and show you love and attention. It is, therefore, important to understand the difference between genuine encouragement for the benefit of the child vs praise that ultimately serves our needs.
True encouragement requires us to dig deeper, be thoughtful, to pause and think before responding. It requires us to engage with our kids, be respectful to our child and genuinely curious about who they are, what they did, as well as the process of getting there. In some cases, it means relating the impact of their actions on others. That means asking real questions, making factual observations, inviting the child to reflect on their process about the effort involved or strategies used instead of doling out judgment or praise. E.g:
“Hmm, you were really struggling with drawing that tiger at first. I noticed that you referred to that animal book you have, which helped with the drawing.”
“What made you choose this unique hood design for building this Lego vehicle?”
“How did you make that balance like this? That looks hard, you were working at it for a while.”
Often, simple curiosity is best. “Tell me about your painting.” Then, let the child speak and listen with undivided attention.
This shift in our perspective can have a huge effect on their sense of self, intrinsic motivation and development of a growth mindset.
With respect to chores and attributes such as kindness, sharing and such, if you must say something at all, a simple acknowledgement of the effect of their action is more than sufficient, or, an invitation to reflect:
“What made you share your treat with her?”
“You took care of peeling the carrots while I cooked the rice. That’s going to save me time while making the salad.”
If your child comes to you excitedly to announce, “I shared my cookie with her, Ma!“, instead of turning that into a moment of empty praise, acknowledge and keep it reflective through observations: “Yes, you did. She seems to be enjoying it thoroughly!“
Saying nothing and simply being present is a good option too in many situations.
What matters is the WHY – why we say what we say. Before we decide to praise something, it is worth asking ourselves:
- Is this judgement I’m passing? E.g. Good, bad, great, awesome
- Is it self-serving? Is it something I want them to do for my subconscious ego / anxiety / fear / convenience: doing or learning something against their wishes that would please me. E.g. putting dishes away because they are afraid of punishment or for a reward, rather than out of a sense of being part of a family / community.
In short, encouragement is:
- Non-judgmental
- Unconditional
- Enhances the child’s sense of self
Being authentic and respectful aren’t always easy, especially when we might have been conditioned through our own experiences in life. Identifying the instances and changing our perspective takes time, patience with ourselves and tons of practice. But it is absolutely worth it. A huge paradigm shift that brings us closer to our children and makes them feel genuinely valued for who they are. THAT, in itself, is all the encouragement they need to keep their intrinsic motivation intact and put their best effort into their pursuits.