Human beings are born hard-wired for connection. Increasingly, research has shown that social connection is as essential as food and sleep. It is a biological imperative resulting from thousands of years of evolution, during which we started to organize ourselves into social groups with increasingly complex relationships. A lack of connection can be perceived by our brains as a threat to our very survival.
Traditional parenting advice focuses so much on “teaching right from wrong”, loading factual information into kids, and perceiving adult-child relationships as one-sided, that there is hardly any room left for building genuine connections. The irony and tragedy of this conventional “wisdom” lie in the fact that deeper connection, not authoritarian control, naturally segues into deeper learning, intrinsic motivation, creativity, and better emotional health.
Benefits of deep connections
We certainly don’t need research to notice that children learn most enthusiastically from those people (adults or otherwise) with whom they feel secure and loved. This is not a coincidence, as it turns out. It is rooted in our neurobiology. While some foundational brain circuits or “blueprints” for learning are in our genes, they can change and grow through interactions with people and environments when we are young – both, for better or worse. This can have a huge impact on learning in all aspects of life. Unfortunately, most mainstream parenting advice is often rooted in fixed mindset ideas and fears: either we’re born artistic or we’re not, either we’re intelligent or we’re not and so on. I have yet to meet a single child who is not an artist in their own right. So what happens to that as we grow up?
When children feel genuinely loved by someone for their most authentic selves, they feel safe to “let their walls down”. Their neural pathways are relaxed. This enables them to learn, comprehend, cooperate, produce, and pretty much do everything better. They don’t feel judged for making mistakes, asking questions, and experimenting with new ideas. On the other hand, when their systems experience threat, it can lead to pulling the walls back up to armor themselves against it subconsciously. An adaptation for survival resulting from thousands of years of evolution. A threat can be as simple as a teacher or parent testing them on factual knowledge repeatedly, through grading and competition, dismissing their original ideas as “silly”, yelling at them, or expecting blind obedience.
Turns out, a solid foundation of emotional well-being and security in relationships provides a great base for growing stronger cognitive abilities as well. Benefits of a close connection with our children include:
- Physical and emotional well-being
- Healthier relationships
- Better decision making and problem solving abilities
- Higher ability to harness intrinsic motivation and true potential
- More creativity, higher intelligence across multiple dimensions
…among others. In short, the quality of our relationships predicts a lot – well-being, happiness, success.
The best part? Joyful relationships with our children – we can be our authentic selves and they, theirs. We enjoy one another’s company deeply. We also don’t view disagreements or defiance as threats to the relationship – quite the opposite. They are opportunities to go deeper, understand and learn more about each other. During moments of temporary disconnection, we draw immense strength from the deep foundation of connection built through the years and can repair those ruptures better. Keeping the long term view in mind is key.
10 ways to build connection
So, what are some ways to foster authentic and deep connection with our children? Here are a few:
- Love unconditionally
- Show your love
- Empathize and acknowledge feelings
- Repair the connection after a conflict
- Listen without judgment
- Daily check ins
- Be authentic
- Do chores together
- Lighten up
- Take care of yourself
Love unconditionally
Let your child know you love them no matter what. Not for what they do or accomplish, but for WHO THEY ARE. Let them know how glad you are for their presence in your life.
Exactly what Mister Rogers sang:
I like you as you are
Exactly and precisely
I think you turned out nicely
And I like you as you are
Conditional love puts the focus on external behaviors and actions – getting good grades, saying sorry and thank you even when not authentic, obedience to adults. When we shower them with praise or rewards when they “achieve success” and criticize them for mistakes, children internalize that they have to work for our love. That must never be the case – our love for them must never come into question.
Unconditional love, on the other hand, requires us to look at the whole child as a human being, respect their thoughts and feelings and approach the relationship as a partnership. We understand at a deep level that disruptive and difficult behaviors are a manifestation of unmet needs, so there is a lot more to be understood before responding. There are no “good kids” or “bad kids”, just little humans with growing brains trying to figure life out through a thousand steps and missteps, through which, we are ideally there to guide, scaffold and love them.
For a deep dive into this, the best book I’ve ever come across on this topic is by Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting. It lays bare every single point you will ever encounter in favor of conditional love and dismantles it systematically.
Show your love
There are many ways to show your love depending on the child. Here are a few common ones – hugs are wonderful and healing. Snuggles, kisses and loving words too. Indulge in them daily – first thing in the morning, at bed time, while saying goodbye for school or work, anytime, really. Do an activity together – e.g. cosy up and read a book together. Smile at your kids like they light up your life when they walk into the room. Make their favorite food as a surprise once in a while. Play tickle or rough-house with them, if they like that. There are just as many ways as there are kids!
[Side note: always respect body boundaries. If your child isn’t interested in a hug or a snuggle or a tickle fight at a particular moment, don’t ever force one.]
Empathize and acknowledge feelings
“The foundation of behavioral change is relational safety.”
– Dr. Mona Delahooke
Young children are emotional beings. The part of the brain that is responsible for managing emotions is not yet well developed enough for them to handle big, difficult feelings effectively. Much of what we consider difficult behavior is driven by emotional impulses, not logical decisions. They are not “manipulating” you, unlike popular opinion. They have lost control and need our help to come back to their regulated self.
During these times, showing our (genuine) empathy and acknowledging what they are going through establishes understanding. This creates safety in the relationship. It helps them come back to calm. This is called co-regulation and it fosters the child’s own self-regulation skills. The hardest part in all of this is regulating our own emotions when our child is upset. Their emotions can be such huge triggers for our own. The more we practice recognizing rising above our triggers, the easier it becomes to be present for theirs. Become their anchor, instead of jumping right into the mess along with them.
It doesn’t matter whether its your toddler crying over a choice of snack or a teenager going through a heartbreak. Their feelings are real. And we need to trust and respect that. We need to take children seriously and hold space for them to express their feelings without judgment, while guiding them to safely do so.
Instead of approaching feelings with judgment, use genuine curiosity and acknowledge. Note that acknowledgement is NOT the same thing as “letting them do whatever they want“. We can acknowledge a difficult feeling AND hold our own boundaries at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive.
“You really wanted that red spoon. That’s upsetting that it’s not available right now.”
“You seem sad/afraid. What’s bothering you?”
“You’re frustrated with this puzzle. I can’t let you throw the pieces.”
“It’s okay to feel afraid. I’m here for you if you need me.”
Acknowledging their feelings makes them feel seen, heard, and valued. It builds trust in the relationship and brings us closer to them.
Repair the connection after a conflict
This is a big one.
Our own unmet needs and triggers will often rear their heads waiting to be unleashed at the first sign of conflict, especially when our kids assert themselves or aren’t fitting into a plan we had in mind at a particular moment.
We will lose our temper with our kids from time to time. We will yell at them or make unreasonable demands of them. Engage in a shouting match. Or completely disconnect and huff off. We also lose control of our impulses at times, despite our best efforts. We’re human, after all. When this happens, it is important to repair the disconnection that results from it. It is normal to have conflicts – they can be wonderful opportunities to set and learn each other’s (and our own) boundaries and understand each other better.
Journeying inwards to identify our own triggers and addressing them is the best way to keep making progress on becoming more mindful with our own emotions. This enables us to be more present with our children when they need us the most.
Listen without judgment
Connection is also fueled by our ability to listen well to our children. Listening without judgment can sound like: “Tell me more…. that sounds difficult…. how can I help?”, rather than, “I told you not to do that!” Kids know when they’ve messed up. They don’t need our judgment on top of their own. Listening whole heartedly means listening not only with our ears, but also our hearts and minds – our whole mindful presence.
Kids who are used to being listened to and valued are much more likely to cooperate when it is needed or come to us if they ever need help or messed up – because they can trust us to help them through their most vulnerable moments without judgment.
Daily check ins
Set some time aside daily to give your children undivided attention. Even a little goes a long way. There are a million ways to do daily check ins with your children. Here are just a few:
- Tea / snack time together.
- Family meal without TV or other distractions.
- Read together (there are immense benefits to reading to older children as well, even if they can read themselves).
- Family game night.
- For younger children, play with your child, but don’t take over – allow them to be “the director” and follow their lead.
- Bed time conversations and snuggles – lots of interesting thoughts seem to manifest before bedtime as kids process the happenings of the day. This is also a time when many feelings of the day come up. So it’s a fantastic opportunity to connect.
- Cook / bake together.
Even if you have only ten minutes to spare, that’s enough to do a quick check in and connect on how their day is going / went. Avoid distractions and be present with your whole self – mind, body and soul. What we model, they absorb. If we almost always talk to them while checking messages on our phones, they won’t feel as valued and are more likely to treat others that way as well.
Be authentic
Be you. Being authentic means shedding our own layers of pretending to be what we are not. It means talking to our children simply, respectfully and truthfully. It means steering away from trying to manipulate or control them into doing what we want them to do. It means resisting the urge to portray ourselves as infallible in front of our children. It is a human view of a parent-child relationship, not a hierarchical one. Our children can learn a lot from watching us mess up (when we do) and problem solve to figure a path forward, rather than trying to live up to an impossible fake ideal that we never mess up. What matters is how we handle ourselves when we come undone. It does not give us the license to be rude or unload on our children, no. And therein lies life’s biggest invitation and opportunity to grow our own selves and in the process, embody what we want our children to absorb during difficult times.
Do chores together
Doing chores together can fill us with a feeling of accomplishment, as well as a deeper sense of building our lives together and holding each other up. However, if chores are forced upon kids with punishments or rewards, that beats the entire purpose. A few ideas:
- Ask for help and invite your kids to join you when you engage in chores. But don’t force their participation if they say no.
- Have a family meeting and discuss roles in a collaborative way. Allow kids to choose the job that they would like. Would they rather fold the clothes than take out the trash? Sure. Would they rather set the table for dinner than fold the laundry? Okay! Giving them this freedom might seem counter-intuitive in the short term, but that trust and autonomy you place in them this way works wonders in the long term.
- While there is no need to feign fake enthusiasm about doing the laundry, developing a consistent habit around chores and an attitude of let’s-get-it-done-anyway helps everyone in the house want to contribute better.
My son knows that my least favorite job at home is to put the clean and dry dishes away in the morning after waking up. A little while ago, I was putting the dishes away. He noticed my somewhat grumpy face and asked, “What’s wrong, Ma?” I replied, “Well, this is my least favorite job, but it needs to be done. So I’m having a conversation in my head with myself and trying to keep myself motivated to finish it.” Without skipping a beat, he started helping me out. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. It was a very special moment. The best part? Suddenly it felt as though it wasn’t my least favorite job.
Lighten up
Playfulness can be incredible for fostering connection with our children. As we grow into adults, our responsibilities increase and we tend to lose our playfulness in the process. As exhausted parents, it often seems impossible to be playful at all. But playful interactions can create a deep sense of closeness with our children (and adults too!). It is beneficial not only to them but to us too – it lightens our insides as well. It reminds us that no matter what happens, there is a foundation of pure joy in the relationship. We can always come back to that.
There are a million ways to be playful – engaging in general silliness (faces, jokes) with our children, laughing together, pillow fights, tickle fights, jumping contest, playing games… the possibilities are endless.
Take care of yourself
I cannot stress this point enough. It is so easy to get caught up in taking care of our families and children that we often tend to put ourselves last. This is incredibly hard to do, but the more we practice, the easier it gets.
When we stop caring for ourselves, our ability to be a joyful and gentle parent often takes a hit and as a result, our connection with our children. If we haven’t slept enough, we tend to be more irritable. If we are overwhelmed with work all around, we find it difficult to be present with our child. If we haven’t been eating well or exercising, our health might take a hit. If we are not doing anything to satisfy our own souls, resentment can build up. An overwhelmed, over-worked parent who has spent years ignoring their own needs is much more likely to yell, “After all I do for you, this is how you treat me!” It is never the intention of any parent to get to this place, but even the most well-intentioned ones can get there with a lack of self-care and boundaries.
The idea of being a martyr parent is often glorified in nearly every culture. Parents, especially mothers, are put on a pedestal for sacrificing their own (often basic) needs constantly in favor of their kids’. “She does so much for her kids and never ever complains.” This glorification creates impossible (and quite frankly, counter-productive) standards of what it means to be a good parent. It creates a heck of a lot of pressure on parents, which, over a long period of time, can build up resentment, loneliness and codependent ideas of happiness. It is unhealthy for children as well – they don’t have a model of healthy boundaries at home. They don’t know what it looks like to take care of their own needs either. So the cycle continues.
Taking care of ourselves is not selfish. If we cannot find happiness within ourselves first, there is no way for us to be a source of joy for our children to draw from when they need it. What we don’t have inside of us, we cannot really give others. Taking care of ourselves includes:
- Basic body needs – eating, exercise, sleeping.
- Pursue our own interests, work and hobbies.
- Being respectful, kind and non-judgmental of ourselves when we are not able to “do everything”
- Forgiving ourselves when we mess up, learning and moving forward.
- Learning to love every part ourselves – including the parts that need work.
- Accept help when it is offered and if you need it.
- Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you really need it.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
– Brene Brown
It’s time to radically rethink our relationships with our children. The idea that we need to “teach them to behave” and mold them into something we want them to be is rooted in colonial and oppressive pedagogies. Connection is at the root of all healthy relationships. And connection is built on mutual respect, trust, honesty, clear boundaries, spending time together and a whole lot of laughter and snuggles.