Picture this scenario:
You had a really bad day at work. On your way home, all the happenings of the day seem to be swirling up into a giant tornado. You seek the comfort of your partner to vent or cry and get through this tough time – non judgmental support while you weather the storm. When you get home, you pour your heart out to them, tears flowing, anger and sadness coming through. Suddenly your partner pulls out their phone and takes a picture or video of you having a meltdown, just as you are pouring your heart out, not entirely in control of what you are saying. After a little while and some hugs, you feel better. Then you veg out on the couch with Facebook or Instagram. Your partner has posted the video they took of you taken in your MOST vulnerable state, with a caption that goes something like, “This is what my evening was like..” or a sarcastic caption like “She thought she could keep her job. Her boss was not on board.” hashtag – marriedlife
How would that make you feel?
Now, take a moment to google this phrase: “pictures of crying children with captions” and read some of the captions. Did you see the millions of photos and videos of children at their most vulnerable with witty and sarcastic captions and hashtags?
We’ve all experienced these situations with our children.You give your toddler a green spoon instead of the red one. Your six year old wants to wear his favorite Star Wars shirt that is in the laundry hamper. Your seven year old is distraught because the structure he was trying to build isn’t working out, again. So he’s refusing to eat dinner but you know he is hungry.
Our young children’s tough emotions can be incredibly difficult for us – they can be triggering, frustrating, annoying and inconvenient – the last thing you want to deal with after a long day at work or a tough day at home. However, our children are not going to check in with us like, “Hey Mom, is it okay for me to have a meltdown right now, because I feel terrible about this? Is this a good time for you?” No, they happen when they happen.
So why, then, do we feel the urge to take that picture and post it publicly? It’s because, deep down, under layers of exhaustion-inspired sarcasm and witty captions, we’re looking for genuine support, a feeling that we’re not going through these struggles alone. We take that picture, caption it with something funny and put it out there. The comments start pouring in. “Oh my gosh! My kiddo does that too! Always, with the red spoon!” Hashtag – terribletwos or tantrumthrees.
Ultimately, we are looking to feel understood – through those likes or comments. We want to know that it’s okay to feel our feelings. Acknowledging our tough feelings is the one thing that can make us feel better in these tough situations. It’s a feeling of relief that leads to healing.
Our children are looking for the same thing during their misery. An acknowledgement – it’s okay to feel these tough feelings about the red spoon. You don’t have to give them the red spoon, but creating a safe space for them to express the feelings around it gives them a healthy release. No matter how insignificant the event that triggered the meltdown feels to us, what our children feel is very real to them. When we post that on social media (as an unhealthy outlet for our strong emotions around that), we make light of their feelings subconsciously. By the time they get to their teen years, they have learnt that we are not a safe space for their strong emotions and stop coming to us for help with tough situations.
We’re selling our children’s real distress for a chance for us to feel better.
In the process, we’re reinforcing labels and stereotypical views on children’s behaviors in ourselves and others instead of adopting and promoting healthy mechanisms to regulate our emotions.
We are our young children’s MOST trusted confidants, their go-to person for non-judgmental, unconditional support. This is why they have the most meltdowns around those care-givers they feel closest to – they feel safe enough to show their MOST vulnerable selves to the people they feel closest to and trust. That is the honor they entrust us with – the privilege of being with them in their most messy moments.
We want our children to know that they could come to us with their craziest big emotions and irrational behaviors and we will be there to support, acknowledge and love them with all our hearts.
So, how can we support ourselves through our tough emotions while building resilience to weather theirs? Here are some ways:
- Call a trusted friend or relative and talk to them.
- Talk to your partner and take turns supporting your children with them, if necessary and possible.
- Take a pause / walk / deep breaths / few moments to gather yourself.
- If you do have a safe online helpful community where you can seek (healthy) support go ahead and post there about your feelings, without using your child’s vulnerability.
- Talk to your child, in an age appropriate way, after they have calmed down.
An added side benefit of finding healthy ways to support our own tough emotions is to model that for our children. They watch us take a pause when we’re feeling angry or frustrated, they watch us take a deep breath before responding, they observe that we are not yelling at them or calling them names, they learn that feelings are okay to feel, they learn that we can solve problems by talking about them and they learn that it is okay to come to us with problems.
While it’s often hard to recognize and fight that urge to vent in unhealthy ways, it is also the path to healing and resilience. Building emotional awareness is key to breaking generational patterns of unhealthy behaviors and perspectives. Children give us many opportunities to grow our inner selves as well as to connect with them meaningfully and deeply. They are raw and incredible that way. Let us seize those opportunities and build and model healthy relationships for them.