I’ve been reading a book by clinical child psychologist Ross W. Greene titled Raising Human Beings. It is a brilliant and practical guide to building healthy and respectful relationships with children. This book is primarily focussed on resolving conflicts and disagreements through what he calls Collaborative Problem Solving. There are many real life examples which make it easy to understand this perspective shift. Inviting our child to problem solve along with us instead of us trying to control the outcome.
Here’s the thing. I *thought* I was problem solving collaboratively with my son all the time. As it turns out, there were so many instances where I was clearly not.
Anyway, so I decided to incorporate the wisdom from this book into my daily life. Here’s an example from a few days ago:
Around breakfast time, my son got hungry and asked for sponge cake (delicious left overs from his birthday cake that we had baked a few days ago). While he is not a big sugar junkie at all, it was breakfast time, so I was concerned. Here’s how it played out:
Son: I’m sooo hungry! Can I have some sponge cake?
Me: Hmm, you feel like eating sponge cake right now. My concern is that you may not be able to eat breakfast after that. What do you think we should do?
(At this point I should mention that I first had to stop the reactionary words that were about to leave my mouth, take a pause to think, and then respond.)
Son: Hmmmmm okay! I’ll eat breakfast first and then I can have some sponge cake for a little bit of dessert!
Me: Okay. Sounds like a plan! Sandwich?
Son: Sure!
Me: << Speechless at how smoothly this played out! >>
Here’s how it would have played out on several occasions before this:
Son: I’m sooo hungry! Can I have some sponge cake?
Me: That’s not a good idea. Have your breakfast first then you can have some sponge cake. Otherwise you won’t be able to eat breakfast well.
Son: No! I want some cake first!
You know which way this is going ….
This may seem like an inconsequential scenario, but it’s really not. In this case, the child realized that he is capable of making healthy choices on his own and does not need my policing. General mainstream assumption about children and sugary things is that they are wildlings who’ve been starved for days and given a chance will pounce on the largest amount of sugar they can get their hands on.
In other words, a complete lack of trust that kids can make decisions that are reasonable or well thought out.
The thing about adult responses that are rooted in a lack of trust is that they can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Young children trust us deeply and our voices often become their inner voices. Consequently, our lack of trust in their decision making can become their own. Inviting our children’s input for solving problems can be a BIG perspective shift for them as well as us in larger life scenarios.
Once again, I find that being a parent isn’t about exact words or techniques. It is most often a fundamental perspective shift. It confirms my suspicions yet again that working on our inner selves is where it all begins. If you think about it from this point of view, it is one of the the best invitations life can offer us to become better versions of ourselves.