Respect is rarely a discussion point considered valid in a conversation about children. While respect can mean somewhat different things to different people, when it comes to children, there is often, hardly any debate.
“Ha! What do kids even know?!“
If you ask people whether they love their children, without a second thought, they will shoot back with some version of, “Of course! I love them more than life itself!” or “I would do anything for them!” But ask them if they respect their children, the answer becomes much more muddled.
Respect is frequently conflated with power, authority, fear, and control, rather than love. It is why so many well-intentioned adults demand respect from children. The idea that one can demand respect while being disrespectful is just … hmm …
“HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY?!”
Kids are masters of observation and learning through osmosis. Most often, we are the first models of emulating disrespect in their lives, whether we like to admit this or not. We talk to them in disrespectful tones when we’ve lost our own tempers. Not intentionally, of course. Yet, we demand that they talk respectfully and with a measured kindness in their voices when they lose theirs.
There are a few things worth pondering here:
- Such demands from us stem from viewing the behavior itself as the problem (that’s the traditional view), rather than an indicator of a deeper feeling or unmet need (there’s always a root cause to every problematic behavior when we dig deep enough – this is true for us adults as well). There is plenty of research to support this now.
- We’re expecting a person much younger than us to have emotional maturity that is at least equal to or MORE than ourselves: a fully grown adult with a mature brain. We ourselves can’t “control our emotions” with perfect consistency each time. How can we expect them to?
- The idea of respect we’re conveying to them through these kinds of interactions are those that are associated with authority, fear, and control rather than love.
Young kids can be so intelligent that we subconsciously tend to assume they are able to control all their emotional impulses as well. But one does not imply the other. A child can hold a very articulate and detailed conversation about dinosaurs one moment and fall apart over their choices of dinner the next. Raw intelligence is not a direct measure of the ability to handle big emotions.
A lot of traditional parenting “norms”, especially with discipline, come from a place of love without respect. So much of the mainstream advice is in the form of doing something to children – controlling, manipulating or tricking them into a task or behavior rather than working with them over a longer-term collaboratively. It is a power-over dynamic with very little regard for their rights, thoughts or feelings. A sense of “I know what’s better for you.” An ends justifies the means approach.
Even parents who obviously love their children don’t always act as though they respect them. Some sound snide or sarcastic. They write off their kids’ requests, dismiss their feelings of anger, or trivialize their fears. They interrupt their kids in a way they wouldn’t dream of doing with another adult, yet they become incensed when their kids interrupt them. And they may also talk about their children in a belittling way: “Oh, she’s just being a prima donna.” “Just ignore him when he gets like that.”
Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
Whether we like to admit it or not, fear and anxiety is most often the basis of a need to control. Underneath all our anger, frustration, expectations of obedience and demands of respectful behavior, there’s usually fear – internalized over our own lifetime.
“If my child doesn’t behave, people will perceive him as a brat.“
“If my child doesn’t do these school assignments well, she will not get into a good college later.“
“If my kids don’t learn these skills, they will not get too far in life. They will struggle like I did.”
Dig deep enough. There’s always a feeling of fear or scarcity. Often, these fears are so deeply internalized that we don’t see them at the surface.
What does it mean to be respectful as a parent?
Very simply put, respecting someone means taking them seriously.
It means loving our children unconditionally for who they are, their intrinsic, inherent worth, from the moment they come into our lives. It functions on understanding children’s needs deeply by going far beyond the behaviors. Behavior is communication. Our love for our children does not wax or wane with their “good” or “bad” behaviors (we don’t label them as such either). Nor does it depend on their obedience, compliance, or how they talk to or address us. It is built on a solid foundation of trust, partnership, and collaboration, rather than authority or control.
It means, above all, that we parent from a deep well of unconditional love and guidance, rather than one of fear and control.
To me, respect goes hand in hand with love. It means holding space for their thoughts, feelings, and rights. No age or size limitations, no wealth or professional qualifications needed.
I find that respect is one of the most fundamental ingredients in striving to become a better parent (and human being in general), and giving our children an environment in which they can thrive. Love without respect can very quickly become control. Most parents don’t actually want to control their kids, but guidance is often confused with control.
There is not a single miracle “cure” or “tactic” or anything manipulative, that is genuinely loving or respectful to our children. There is no easy “tip” or “trick” to learning to love our children unconditionally while building a secure relationship with them that can weather the challenges of life. To be honest, this is no different from any other relationship, really.
It starts with perceiving our relationships with our children as mutual that grow and evolve like any other, rather than a project we’re working on with specific goals. The keyword here – mutual. Our children are not our possessions. They are whole human beings figuring their way out in the world, just like us.
If we treat children with respect, trust, and a belief that they are already good humans beings doing the best they can given those circumstances, we will parent from that mindset of guidance and growth. But if our fundamental belief is that they need our control to become good human beings, we will parent from a mindset that is deeply distrustful and based on fear. How we treat our children often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Most books and articles on parenting, unfortunately, start at the point of misbehavior and get into managing or controlling them and their behaviors. This has the unfortunate underlying assumption that the parent is always right, no matter what. This is the easiest route to parenting.
Control is an easier paradigm than collaboration. It is significantly harder to reflect on what *we* could do better and come face to face with that. That often brings up our own pain that we need to build the resilience to face. It is easier to see our relationship with our child as top-down and hierarchical, rather than mutual. It is much much harder to work collaboratively and iteratively with our children through problems because the results take longer. We have to build resilience for a lot more trial and error ourselves while helping our children do the same. Working from a place of trust is very difficult for most of us because we were not trusted as children. We need to be able to let go of our need to control the outcome and instead build trust, that no matter what, we will get there with collaboration and learning. It may take longer, but we will get there with authenticity. “Laying down the law” or tricking children into “doing the right thing” might get us immediate results to satisfy our own fears, but it comes at a big cost to them as well our relationships with them over time.
As Alfie Kohn says:
“Working with” asks more of us than does “doing to”.
Unconditional love and respect cannot co-exist with control in any relationship. And without a sense of unconditional love and genuine respect, our children will forever be looking for our approval, or, as they grow, disconnect from us more and more, leaving us confused in the end because we “loved” them so much. Love can indeed exist without respect, but in my experience, love without respect is incomplete. Over time, this can lead to resentment, discontent, and bitterness for both parties.
“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”
– Mahatma Gandhi