There, I said it.
Our children will make up future generations of this planet. Our roles as parents, teachers and care givers matter. A LOT. Yes, they will have other influences in their lives too from other adults and children they interact with throughout their childhood. In fact, that’s WHY our role as care givers matters a lot.
I’ve heard these statements so often in parenting debates: “You never know where your child picks up bad ideas from sometimes.” “It’s not always us parents. Don’t over think this.” “We are not their only role models in life. They have their own experiences too.”
Yes, completely agreed. COMPLETELY. That’s WHY our role matters so much.
Just like other adults and children can be an influence on our children, our children are also an influence on others. As are we. No, we don’t exist in a bubble from where we only take influence, we also give it, whether we mean to or not.
When this hit me like a bag of bricks, I realized this fact – who I am, matters. Not just what kind of parent I am. But WHO *I* AM.
In my journey as a human and especially as a parent, this has been my most important realization.
“It’s no surprise we fail to tune into our children’s essence. How can we listen to them, when so many of us barely listen to ourselves? How can we feel their spirit and hear the beat of their heart if we can’t do this in our own life?”
– Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent
Children learn the most from observing and absorbing from what is happening in their environment. And WE are part of their environment. Not only do we have an influence on them when we delude ourselves into thinking that we’re “teaching” them, but ESPECIALLY when we don’t realize that they are watching us, which is pretty much all the time we spend in their presence. That’s when they pick up the most. So consider these questions, because, as Dr. Shefali says, “Children are our mirrors“.
How do we respond when we’re angry? With them? With others? Do we respond with kindness, understanding and compassion? Or with rage and judgement?
How do we handle stressful situations? Do we take it out on everyone around us? Or do we reflect and grow through them by learning how we can handle it better? Learn from our mistakes?
Do we blame others for our problems a lot?
Do we lie to others because we want to avoid conflict? Or are we authentic in our communication?
Are we disrespectful in our interactions with our children, but always expect respect back from them?
Are we the same person inside and outside the home/family?
I decided to test this “mirror” theory by incorporating into my daily life, a practice of mindfulness. Taking a step back, reflecting on situations when things went awry, trying to take a deep pause when I am feeling the most reactive.
Damn. She hit the nail on the head.
My energy – positive or negative – has an influence on other people, especially the ones closest to me, in both subtle and non-subtle ways. With children this is very evident because they are “raw” and authentic in their being, not entirely tainted by inauthenticity yet. Their reactivity often soars with ours. They pick up on our biases and ideas and reflect them back to us at the most inopportune moments (for us). Think about this – how often has your child asked you a question or made a statement when they are feeling angry or frustrated, that you said to them when you were in a fit of rage at a different time? They are absorbing. All the time. Not only the times when we *think* we are teaching them.
Every interaction we have with another person in the world can have an impact. When we make statements like, “…but there are so many outside influences in our child’s life…”, what we forget, is that *WE* can also be an outside influence to other people and their children. Taking ourselves out of this equation is a cop out. It exempts us from having to work on ourselves.
We cannot want a kinder world for our children, but not embody it ourselves. We also cannot want a kinder world for our children without wanting it for ALL children. Our actions and thoughts affect one another. We’re not going to get it right all the time. In fact, we’re not going to get it right a lot of the time. But are we willing to recognize this and put in the work? Get right into the mess and find a way to sort it out?
Bullies are made, not born. Racists are made, not born. Misogynists are made, not born. I can keep going. So –
Isn’t it my responsibility to find my kindness and compassion, not only when times are “good” but when I’m feeling frustrated/angry/sad…?
Isn’t it my responsibility to call out biases where I see it, including and especially in myself?
Isn’t it my responsibility to find my authenticity and stay the course, no matter whom I am talking with?
Isn’t it my responsibility to become the best version of myself I can be?
So the way I see it, being a parent is not just a personal thing, it is also a deeply social and political role. It doesn’t just affect our child in isolation, but society as a whole, because we are all part of the same whole. Our children are the future generations of humanity after all. As parents / teachers / caregivers / anyone interacting with children, we are the first set of influences on our children, knowingly or unknowingly.
We cannot simply want a better world for them and ourselves without taking an active role in it.
And the MOST active role we can start with is to work on ourselves.