When my son was about 3 years old, we were invited to a very small birthday gathering on our condo’s rooftop. There were three kids including my son and the birthday girl, all the same age and they were having a blast. We had a bunch of balloons tied to a small weight and the kids were playing with it off and on. About half way through the party, the main string holding the balloons suddenly came undone and they took off in an instant, drifting straight up towards the gorgeous blue sky (they were filled with helium). All three kids looked up at the balloons, taken aback. After about twenty seconds, the other two children went back to running around. My son watched them drift away for a long while, then burst into big, huge inconsolable tears.
It was easy to assume in that moment that he was crying because he wanted to play with those balloons, which each of us grown ups did, without exception. Nevertheless, I walked up to him and asked, “What happened?” He replied, “Balloons are all alone, Ma. They don’t have a friend. They are all alone up there…” and then sobbed some more. I had no words. We hugged for a bit and then he went back to playing. Off and on, he stared at the sky and tracked the balloons for as long as was possible to spot them, as if to make sure they’d be okay.
I was so moved by his empathy and realized the naiveity in my assumption about why he was crying. This was one of many such incidents that really shook me out of a state of highly conditioned assumptions that we adults often tend to dwell in.
Common traits of a highly sensitive child (HSC)
It is helpful to understand the some of the common traits of highly sensitive children in order to figure out what works best for them. The fundamental idea we need to absorb is the depth at which these children process information that they take in from their environment. Here are a few commonalities:
EMPATHY: Most HSC tend to have a strong sense of empathy at a very young age. They often “sense” what others are feeling and share in their emotions deeply, the whole range – happiness, sadness and everything in between. They also process feelings of sadness far deeper than others. This can make some of them feel uncomfortable, while bringing out overt reactions in some others. Not knowing how to manage what it is they are feeling, they might start avoiding situations – e.g. being near a person who is crying, seeing a disabled/very sick person, sad moments in movies/TV shows. Sometimes, it’s the opposite, they cry a lot with them, want to make it better by hugging them, bringing a Band Aid and so on.
OBSERVATION: Many HSC notice subtle changes in environment (e.g. if you pierced your ears, got a trim, changed earrings), small things being moved around the house, notice the smallest details in art and surroundings that other kids miss, the faintest of smells and tastes, textures of fabrics, they might have strong reactions to the slightest changes in taste of the recipes they are used to, elastic bands, labels on clothes and so on.
INTENSITY OF MELTDOWNS: The intensity of their big feelings tends to be higher. They can be easily over stimulated, especially, the younger they are, and prone to highly reactive / explosive meltdowns. Parents are sometimes left puzzled at the intensity of emotions displayed for a change of clothes.
DEPTH OF PROCESSING: They often display keen insights, deductions, rich creativity and an intelligent sense of humor which stems from the depth at which they process information they take in. They tend to ask pointed and insightful questions and engage in deep discussions on topics otherwise considered too complicated for young children. At times, they seem “wise beyond their years” and surprise you. After listening to me read Day of the Dragon (from the Magic Tree House series) and asking a million questions about the terracotta warriors, dictators, death and funeral rituals from different cultures around the world, my son, at age 5, asked me, “Ma, do you want to be burnt or buried when you die?”
All in all, they take in, feel, process and think more deeply than other children. Being a parent to one can be a challenge, but also a deeply connecting experience when we learn to accept them whole-heartedly for who they truly are.
This test on Dr. Elaine Aron’s website is helpful and lists a lot of other traits: https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/