Is your child often bothered by loud noises or does not enjoy large parties? Does he find it annoying when adults try to “draw” them out? Does your child seem to pick up on others’ subtle emotions and intentions almost intuitively? Is she bothered quite often by tags on clothing or textures / appearance of certain foods? Does your child ask a lot of questions? Often some that seem wise beyond their years? Does he not like to participate in adult directed group activities? Is she incredibly observant / perceptive? Is your child often labeled “shy” or “sensitive” or deemed “needs to be more social” by others?
I have by no means covered all the possible external traits or behaviors, but if you answered yes to some or all of these questions, you may have a Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) (or may have been one yourself). Unlike what traditional parenting mores might tell you, this is not something to be fixed, or something you caused as a parent. It brings with it absolutely wonderful gifts – to be understood and explored deeply.
Traditional parenting has passed on this subliminal message from generation to generation – that babies are born completely blank slates and we adults are the ones who fill those slates up with our supposed wisdom and knowledge. This is simply not true. This, in fact, is a fundamental source of several misconceptions that most adults have about young children and that they can/should be controlled to a T.
Babies have temperaments of their own, long before we have a chance to influence them in any way. Notice I didn’t say behaviors. I said temperament. This means that they are born with a *propensity* to react and feel in certain ways, different from other babies, who are born with a *propensity* to react and feel in other ways, given the exact same situation. So, in other words, when one 6 month old baby does not flinch when picked up by a complete stranger (to them), while another 6 month old cries bloody murder, it is not the parents’ fault.
A highly sensitive child is one who, simply put, is more sensitive to happenings in their environment. This means that they experience more through all their senses. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, they are “born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything”. In other words, it is inborn. Based on several years of experience, she states that about fifteen to twenty percent of children are born this way. So again, it is not something conditioned or imagined and, no, they do not need more “social skills”.
Highly sensitive children are often very intelligent, highly creative and are able to develop more emotional intelligence at younger ages – owing to their deep awareness. They often demonstrate incredible empathy and wisdom at an early age. They tend to have a deeply reflective mind as is evident from their many insightful questions and often well thought out play scenarios. They seem to experience a rich array of emotions, often not being able to slot what they are feeling into simplistic terms like “I’m feeling sad”.
Having a keenly aware nervous system is a double edged sword though. This implies that such children can also be easily overwhelmed by sudden changes in routine, new people, crowded places, loud noises, too much color, smells, textures and so on. They can feel easily hurt, experience others’ distress more deeply, find defeat or cheating in games or teasing very hurtful or get upset over what seems to be a small thing to others. Some also seem extra cautious in many situations – they think deeply before diving into anything they might perceive as risky. They can have intense emotional reactions to the seemingly small things. With a good understanding of sensitivity and all its gifts, we can learn to care for a HSC in a way that scaffolds their rich inner lives and brings out their gifts, of which, they have many.
It is unfortunate that most cultures today do not understand highly sensitive children (or adults for that matter). They view their sensitivity as a weakness and parent in a way that tries to “stamp it out” of them, inadvertently squashing (or at least suppressing) the great gifts that come hand in hand with it.
In the next post, I will delve deeper into some of the traits of a highly sensitive child. Stay tuned.
April 17, 2020
Superb insights 👌